In the world of swinging and open relationships, the liberating dynamics can certainly infuse a lot of adventure and passion into otherwise stale relationships. But it doesn’t mean that you don’t experience some of the valleys that happen in any relationship type. One of those is breaking it off with a secondary partner.
This blog will explore the best practices for ending a secondary relationship in the swinging lifestyle, including how to communicate the decision, handle mutual friends, and navigate shared social scenes.
Understanding Swinger Lifestyle Dynamics
If you’re new to swinging, your primary partner is your main partner. All other partners are secondary partners. When you introduce secondary partners into your world, you have to understand that those relationships may end.
If you’re a part of London’s vibrant swinging culture, or you are part of an online swinger lifestyle site like ours, you know that connecting with secondary partners isn’t difficult. There’s a lot of fish in the sea, to use a cliche.
But like any relationship style, emotions play a large role in things. You can’t assume you won’t develop a connection with secondary partners. And honestly, you should develop those connections. Who wants to spend time with someone they don’t like?
But secondary relationships exist in their own ecosystem. And that means ups and downs. And sometimes the downs are too much to overcome and you decide you don’t want to continue having a relationship with the secondary partner.
This can be a complex situation because you often need to communicate this with your primary partner who hopefully shares your sentiments. All the same, it only takes one primary partner to go on the outs with a secondary partner to create a breakup scenario.
Preparing to Break it Off
There are numerous things to consider with breaking off a secondary partner’s connection. As we mentioned, you’ll want to extensively communicate your feelings with your primary partner. Often, your primary partner feels the same way as you, but no one’s broke the ice in bringing it up.
You need to outline your reasons you feel the secondary partner isn’t a good fit. Are they creating problems between you and your primary partner? Sometimes, secondary partners can grow jealous and that sparks issues. Other times, a secondary partner may not adhere to agreed upon boundaries, and that’s a big no no.
But at times, the reasons you want to break it off could be more complex and require more thoughtful reasoning.
Just know, you don’t always owe anyone a deep explanation. And in turn, they don’t owe you one, either.
But you will need to decide what you’ll say. Because you will and should communicate your desire to move forward in another way. Otherwise, you’re stuck ghosting the person. And that sets the stage for awkward run ins or the person may keep trying to reach out.
Communicating the Break Up
Like any complicated and potentially emotionally charged communication, you’ll need a plan.
First, decide who is delivering the news. Is it you, your primary partner, or the both of you?
You’ll next want to decide how that information is delivered. For example, we discourage text messages as they are very impersonal and often lead to misunderstandings. But if you feel that the situation may not be overly safe, by all means, do what’s right for you.
You’ll want to craft communications that are concise, honest, and compassionate. The concise part in this is super important. You don’t want to be so short that the person feels they are being fired. But you also don’t want to say so much that you leave room to miscommunicate your desire to move on. You need to be direct and clearly state you don’t want to move forward in the relationship, but also soften it by using compassionate language.
Handling Mutual Friends, Social Scenes
This is where things can get sticky and tricky.
Maybe your in group texts with this person, or hang out at the same club in London or Manchester.
You might be in a group chat online.
Maybe you see this person at your favorite coffee house or grocery store.
There is a lot to consider.
First things first, inform your mutual friends of what has happened. And to be clear, don’t talk smack on the person. Be kind. This can help alleviate any awkward instances that might occur because someone simply does not know.
Make it clear you aren’t trying to get anyone on a side, or cause anyone to not invite anyone else to anything. You’re simply communicating that you and your primary partner aren’t seeing the secondary partner anymore. No drama. They don’t need to understand why it happened. No motives. You’re not trying to get them on your side. Just facts, folks.
London and the surrounding areas are basically small towns, as we all know. They may look big, but in the end, you’re almost certain to run into people and end up at events with this person. You don’t want your mutual friends to feel pressure. You only want them to understand the situation.
Moving Forward
You should expect run ins with the former secondary partner. You don’t want to stress over it or make too much of it in your mind, but its always a good idea to rehearse a little for the moment.
You want to prepare to have a positive interaction. Lots of smiles disarm awkward vibes pretty quickly.
Most of all, continue to be respectful. Don’t talk bad about the person. If you hear negative things said about you by this other person, squash it with “yeah, we decided to move on, we wish them the best.”
In the end, break ups are always a bit tough. Nothing goes perfect. But if you follow the basic steps outlined above, you can minimize the dramas and move on to your greener pastures, and your former secondary partner can do the same.
Charles Lace is a distinguished UK-based writer, born in 1975 in Brighton, who has become a prominent voice in the open relationship and swinger communities. His passion for exploring and documenting alternative lifestyles, particularly in the UK, has made him a well-known figure in these circles.
After studying Creative Writing at the University of East Anglia, Lace began his career as a freelance journalist for London newspapers. In his late 20s, he found his niche writing about non-monogamous relationships and the swinger lifestyle. His breakthrough came in 2005 with the publication of “Open Hearts, Open Doors: An Introduction to Ethical Non-Monogamy,” which became an unexpected bestseller in its niche.
Known for his frank yet sensitive approach, Lace’s writing style combines personal anecdotes with well-researched information and expert interviews. He regularly contributes to various swinger publications, most notably through his column in “Lifestyle Horizons,” a popular UK-based magazine for the swinger and polyamorous communities.