The dynamics of open relationships can often start off in a complex manner. Whether it’s swinging, throuples, or any form of consensual non-monogamy, there’s far more involved than simply setting boundaries.
You and your partners will need to work towards mastering the art of communication on multiple levels and across various topics.
As open relationships challenge the traditional norms of dating and marriage, expressing desires becomes even more crucial.
Today’s guide explores some essential communication strategies to help you and your partners thrive.
Understanding Why Communication is Essential in Open Relationships
We don’t just become a throuple overnight, nor do we simply drop by a swingers club in London and hope for the best.
Not at all.
Instead, we recognise the importance of communication before making any steps towards an open relationship.
Communication isn’t just vital for an open relationship—it’s a fundamental pillar. Without it, open relationships are destined to fail. Unlike traditional relationships, which often falter due to poor communication, open relationships rely on clear and honest dialogue to function.
Poor communication damages all types of relationships, not just romantic or physical ones. Even friendships and business partnerships can crumble under inadequate communication.
Communication provides security and stability to any relationship, which is why it’s especially crucial in open relationships.
Let’s look at how we communicate properly.
Express Your Needs
Madonna said it best, even if she wasn’t specifically talking about open relationships.
When it comes to expressing our needs, this advice can apply to any relationship.
First, use “I” statements. Frame your needs from your perspective to avoid sounding as if you’re accusing the other person of anything.
Be very specific, or at least as specific as possible. You want to clearly state your needs and avoid being vague.
Practise self-awareness by reflecting on your feelings and desires before communicating them. Understand your position internally before expressing it externally.
Stay calm! Maintaining a calm tone while expressing your needs is crucial. If you’re calm but the person you’re speaking with reacts with prolonged outrage, it may be time to reassess the relationship. No one should receive intense backlash for expressing rational needs and desires.
Rehearse. Just as you would when rehearsing lines for a play, go over your talking points. You don’t want to sound like a robot, but being prepared will help you feel more confident in stating your needs.
Recognise that your feelings are completely valid. This helps to reduce any guilt you might feel about asking for what you need.
Clearly outline your boundaries without apologising or justifying them. There’s no need to say sorry for your feelings.
If necessary, check in with a friend or your therapist before having the conversation to help you feel more grounded.
Managing Bad Reactions
Even when we follow all the steps, not everything will go as planned. Sometimes, things go off the rails.
If the conversation catches fire right away, you might want to suggest you speak to the topic at another time. Maybe the partner you’re speaking with is having a bad day, or needs to time to digest the topic and realize its not that big of a deal.
It’s important to acknowledge your partner’s emotions without immediately trying to fix or dismiss them. A simple, “I understand this might be hard to hear,” can validate their feelings while still holding space for your own needs. This approach helps to de-escalate tension and demonstrates empathy.
Stay calm and avoid matching their emotional intensity. When faced with an unexpected reaction, grounding yourself can prevent the conversation from spiralling further. Take deep breaths, maintain a steady tone, and remind yourself that their reaction is about their processing—not a reflection of your worth or the validity of your needs.
If things become heated, gently steer the conversation towards a pause. You might say, “I think it’s best if we take a break and come back to this when we’re both feeling more level-headed.” This not only shows respect for their emotional state but also sets a healthy boundary that conversations should not devolve into conflict.
Be prepared to revisit the topic with a fresh perspective. When you return to the conversation, start with a neutral approach, such as, “I’d like us to talk about this again when we’re ready. I value your thoughts and want us to find a way forward together.”
Conclusion
Don’t be afraid to go for what you want in a relationship. If you don’t, years can pass and you’ll end up regretting things. Be assertive, be confident, and realize you have the right to your needs and desires.
Charles Lace is a distinguished UK-based writer, born in 1975 in Brighton, who has become a prominent voice in the open relationship and swinger communities. His passion for exploring and documenting alternative lifestyles, particularly in the UK, has made him a well-known figure in these circles.
After studying Creative Writing at the University of East Anglia, Lace began his career as a freelance journalist for London newspapers. In his late 20s, he found his niche writing about non-monogamous relationships and the swinger lifestyle. His breakthrough came in 2005 with the publication of “Open Hearts, Open Doors: An Introduction to Ethical Non-Monogamy,” which became an unexpected bestseller in its niche.
Known for his frank yet sensitive approach, Lace’s writing style combines personal anecdotes with well-researched information and expert interviews. He regularly contributes to various swinger publications, most notably through his column in “Lifestyle Horizons,” a popular UK-based magazine for the swinger and polyamorous communities.