Swinging can be an exciting and liberating experience for couples, offering the thrill of exploring new connections together. But what happens when emotions get involved?
Your first instinct is probably, “nothing good.”
The fact is, dilemmas and complications happen in any relationship. Let’s explore how to navigate them.
Navigating the “I Told Ya So” Feels
Let’s dive into the first step of managing a swinger relationship that’s suddenly become a bit more complicated.
It’s natural for some to feel like they should’ve seen it coming—that perhaps they were naive for getting involved in a swinger relationship in the first place. After all, isn’t this what people always warn about?
Not quite.
Complexities arise in all sorts of relationships; it’s simply part of the journey. It’s less about avoiding them and more about how we navigate through them.
Traditional marriages encounter complications all the time. Partners might find themselves attracted to colleagues, old friends they’ve reconnected with on social media, or even friends from other couples. Being in an open relationship doesn’t necessarily increase the likelihood of such situations—it’s just a different context.
The key is to recognise this, so you don’t end up feeling like it’s all your own doing. The pursuit of happiness isn’t a fairy tale, regardless of the path you choose.
Understanding Emotional Boundaries in Swinging
In any swinger relationship, it’s crucial to understand the distinction between emotional and physical connections. Swinging is meant to be about physical encounters outside of the emotional and physical bond you share with your primary partner.
However, sometimes the experience subtly shifts, and what started as light-hearted fun may begin to feel more emotionally involved.
You might find yourself thinking about them outside the bedroom; daydreaming, wondering what they’re up to, or feeling an unusual excitement at the thought of seeing them again. When your thoughts extend beyond the physical, it’s a sign that your connection could be evolving into something more.
Another indication is if you begin craving emotional intimacy. Swinging typically centres around the physical, but when you start seeking deeper conversations or sharing personal stories, it’s a sign the casual fling may be shifting into a more meaningful attachment.
Jealousy can also creep in. If you start feeling possessive or uneasy about what they’re doing when you’re not around, it’s likely a signal that your bond has become personal. This kind of emotional attachment usually suggests that the connection is no longer purely physical.
Often, it’s your partner who notices the change before you do. If they comment on your behaviour or express concern about the intensity of your involvement with this person, it’s important to take their observations seriously. They might be recognising an emotional shift that you haven’t fully acknowledged yet.
All of these signs suggest that the dynamic may no longer be healthy within a swinger relationship. It’s vital to acknowledge these feelings and reassess your boundaries to ensure the experience remains open, honest, and respectful for everyone involved.
Navigating Your Feelings and the Impact on Your Relationship
Once you’ve decided that your emotions invested in the non-primary partner have found a complex place, you need to create an action plan.
Its essential that you thoughtfully navigate the situation while realizing that your primary partner’s feelings are equally invested.
The first step in navigating your feelings is to engage in honest self-reflection. Take the time to consider why you may have developed feelings for this person. Is it the thrill of the new and exciting?
Is there a gap in your current primary relationship that’s not fulfilled? And can that be fixed?
Alternatively, it could be that you’ve genuinely connected with this person on a deeper level. Perhaps you’ve discovered common interests, values, or a chemistry that feels unique. If this is the case, it’s important to acknowledge that such connections can happen, even when the initial intention was purely physical.
Once you understand that root of the issue, you need to evaluate how these feelings currently, and in the future, will affect your primary partner.
Just because you’ve grown fond of someone you and your primary partner included in the relationship doesn’t mean all is doomed. These things happen. It’s all about how you handle it.
Talking openly is the first step in helping to course correct. Transparency is the core tenant of any open relationship.
That said, you have to prepare for your partner to potentially feel burned by your admission. When this happens, you should be empathetic. But this is also why you have to first confirm that this is truly happening and you aren’t just excited over a new partner.
If the conversation goes poorly and you still feel staunchly attached to the non-primary partner, it might be a good idea to take a break so that both you and your primary partner can assess what you each desire.
By allowing space for self-reflection and open conversation, you can better navigate your feelings and determine the best course of action that honours both your emotions and the commitment to your primary relationship.
It may not feel ideal, but in the end, that space could be the one thing that saves your relationship.
Charles Lace is a distinguished UK-based writer, born in 1975 in Brighton, who has become a prominent voice in the open relationship and swinger communities. His passion for exploring and documenting alternative lifestyles, particularly in the UK, has made him a well-known figure in these circles.
After studying Creative Writing at the University of East Anglia, Lace began his career as a freelance journalist for London newspapers. In his late 20s, he found his niche writing about non-monogamous relationships and the swinger lifestyle. His breakthrough came in 2005 with the publication of “Open Hearts, Open Doors: An Introduction to Ethical Non-Monogamy,” which became an unexpected bestseller in its niche.
Known for his frank yet sensitive approach, Lace’s writing style combines personal anecdotes with well-researched information and expert interviews. He regularly contributes to various swinger publications, most notably through his column in “Lifestyle Horizons,” a popular UK-based magazine for the swinger and polyamorous communities.